This blog post is questions about family planning and how you can talk to your partner about it.
Walking around the mall you notice a store that has super cute onesies. Before you never really paid any attention. But today was different, you stopped for a moment to look and began wondering what a family would be like with your partner.
Have you had the family planning conversation with your partner? If not, this blog post is questions that you can go over to ask your partner about family planning.
How Do I Talk To My Partner About Family Planning?
This can be a long conversation with your partner. One that may have to be broken up or just spend hours talking about.
Remember deciding on having a family can be a huge decision. They may be nervous or actually really excited. Be patient and go in a little prepared (hence using my questionnaire).
You and your partner most likely have expectations or experience seeing friends and family raising their children. Both of you should sit down, and discuss what you already know about; having children and raising children.
In addition, you want to discuss ideas and myths that you have heard about family planning. At the end of the day, it’s truly between you and your partner about what should be implemented in your family planning process.
What Are Three Topics That Should Be Included In Discussion Of Family Planning?
Both you and your partner will be talking about everything. From your childhood all the way to disciplining your child. Although there are three important topics that need to be added in your family planning discussion.
Wanna hear a secret? You’ll never be financially ready to have a child. You can have thousands of dollars in saving but it’ll never be enough.
Yes you should come up with a savings plan for your future child but please don’t let your finances keep you from years of trying.
For instance, your child may not want to be breastfed and need to go on formula. Or your child could be allergic to a certain type of formula that cost twice as much as regular formula.
Unexpected cost will come out of nowhere, such as; hospital visits, medication, and so much more!
Having your first child can be overwhelming. It’ll take a team and a flowing system to raise a child. You want to talk about the responsibilities each person we’ll be bringing to the table.
This topic is important to talk about. Because early relationship/marriages break up because they were not seeing eye to eye about children and infertility. As we go further along in the blog post we will go into depth about what questions you should be asking each other about infertility.
What Are Some Questions About Family Planning?
1. What Are Your Views About Having Children?
This is a great starter questions to open the floor about family planning. You want to make sure you and your partner are on the same page about starting a family.
Hearing each other’s views about having children will allow you to put yourself in their perspective. Did they have a rough childhood and vowed to never have children? What if they want a big family? Or perhaps only one child? What if they are not ready to start a family yet?
2. Who’s Going To Be Home With The Child?
After the baby is born, the first few weeks are crucial for a caregiver to be home. You’re both learning who this baby is and what do they like or dislike. Since newborns have small stomachs, they eat more frequently, and need their diapers changed more as well.
Meaning one parent has to be home at all times in the beginning. Depending on the country you live in, some maternity leaves are a few weeks, months, or even a full year.
Discuss with your partner about the options you have about someone staying home with the child for a bit. Will you be saving up your vacation days? Does your country offer paternity leave for both parents? Will you have to go down to a one person income for a bit?
If you decided after maternity leave you will be going back to work, you must discuss your decision on childcare. Are they going part-time or full-time? What are you looking for in childcare? How long will they be staying in childcare? what is your budget for childcare?
All childcare centers are different. Some will be; Montessori, Reggio Emilia approach, play-based learning, and more.
With each childcare center comes at a different cost. Going part-time is one of the ways you can save money. Or if you find that childcare is expensive, looking into hiring a nanny is another option.
4. How Will We Share Up The Responsibilities?
Having a child is hard work! Plus you need to add in your job, chores, and so many other things in your life. Being parents you have to both work together as a team so no one feels like they are doing more than the other.
This is a great opportunity for you both to discuss the responsibilities each person will be doing once the baby comes. For example your partner may want to do bath time each night. Or pick days who will be cooking dinner each week.
Based your responsibilities on work schedule, who is the primary caregiver, and daily lifestyle.
5. When Should We Start Trying?
Prior to trying you want to make sure you research all the things that you have to do prior to conceiving. this could be changing your diet, stopping some medication (birth control), stop drinking alcohol, taking vitamins, doctor visits, and getting more fit.
By preparing your body, this decreases the changes of trying for long periods of time, chemical pregnancies/miscarriages.
This can be a lot of changes and it does take time. Usually prior to trying you want to start preparing your body 1-3 months prior to conceiving.
For example, you and your husband decides to start trying in March, you want to begin preparing your body for pregnancy by November-December.
6. What Happens If We Have A Hard Time Trying?
Something we don’t want to happen but sadly it does. having a hard time to conceive can but a damper in the process and change the dynamic of your relationship. For some, it can take 1 year or up to 5 years to conceive their first child.
Discuss the type of ways to conceive. will you be tracking ovulation? Will you be testing your eggs/sperm if they are fertile? Will you decide to try other forms of conception? Here is a list of ways you can conceive:
- IUI (Intrauterine insemination)
- IVF (In vitro fertilisation)
- Egg/Sperm donor
- ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection)
7. What Happens If We Find Out We’re Infertile?
After trying for so long only to find out either you, your partner, or both of you are infertile. This can be devastating news to hear.
But they are so many other ways on how you can still have a child of your own. This could be adoption, or having a surrogate.
Discuss how both of you may feel about being infertile and how you will overcome it.
8. How Many and Age Gap?
How many children do you want? How many children does your partner want?
You want to be on the same page about how many children you would like and how many you can afford. This also includes age gap. Do you want your children close in age? Did you want a large age gap so you can prepare yourself for the next one?
Typically the best age gap for parents who want more than one is between the ages of 3 and 4.
You will also want to discuss if you’re only wanting to have one child and the reasons for that. Some people want just an only child due to; their childhood, lifestyle, support, and their relationship.
Make sure that as a couple you come up with a firm decision on the amount of children you want to have.
9. How Much Money Should We Have Before Having Children?
How much money should you save up for a child? Honestly, the answer to this question is entirely up to you. We have some couples who have no savings, low income, and raise the most amazing children. Then we have other couples who wait until they have tons of savings, higher income before trying to conceive.
the decsion on how much money you need to have before concieving is a decision based on the couple. Babies are expesneive and need lots of things.
Although you can always look for baby items at; second hand stores, Facebook Marketplace, or through family members.
Overall, a child doesn’t care about the amount of money you have in the bank, all they care about is your love and attention.
I highly suggest prior to having children is to start paying off your debt, saving some money for mat leave and some baby essentials.
10. What Happens If We Have An Unexpected Pregnancy?
This situation happens ALL THE TIME! Doctors always suggest that it’ll take couples between 3 months to a year to conceive and the first month you try, surprise! You see a positive pregnancy test.
This commonly happens to women who are just coming off birth control. Sometimes it takes 6 months to conceive, and other times you ovulate right after you come off.
Want a fun exercise? Sit down with your partner and answer the question “If we found out we were pregnant tomorrow, how will we prepare ourselves?”
You may want to take about; moving to another place because your current living situation is too small, how much money can you both save up within 9 months, and do you have any prior arrangements that needs to be changed?
Running through this scenario will prepare you for the potential unexpected arrival.
11. What Are Things You Want To Do Before Having Children?
After having a child, your life tends to pause for a bit and all of your attention goes towards taking care of your baby.
You want to make sure that you have done everything you can in order to be ready for a child. This could be; wanting to go back to school, changing jobs, changing your family doctor, wanting to get a bigger living space, or wanting to travel.
If you ask any parent, they all had at least one thing they wish they have accomplish prior to having a baby.
As a couple, Create a list of things you want to do prior to starting a family. Then give yourselves a timeline on when these task have to be done.
12. How Will The Holidays Be Like?
If you’re anything like my husband and I we have a wonderful blended family. We both each have a set of step parents. So our holidays are basically spilt up like a pie.
We find it so hard to figure out which side gets the equal amount of holidays each year. Although by Christmas, were already tuckered out from traveling around to each houses.
One thing my husband and I are doing is sitting down discussing how the holidays will be like with our child. Knowing that my father lives out of the country, we have to put in the consideration traveling by plane for some holidays.
How will you divide up holidays with your Families? Do we give each side a set of holidays we will attend? What about attending every other year?
Try to figure out a schedule that works with your family. It may take some time to figure it out.
13. How Are We Going To Keep Our Relationship First?
I remember watching a Tiktok one day where a man said that in order to have a happy home you need to prioritize your marriage first than the children. Which he was absolutely right.
Without you and your partner, there wouldn’t be a family to start with. Children can sense when their parents are not always seeing eye to eye. It is very important to make sure your relationship/marriage always comes first.
In order for that to happen you want to take time to go on dates. This could be an at home date or even a weekend getaway somewhere.
I have a great blog post all about how to reconnect with your spouse. Different ways to help you and your partner prioritize each other.
14. How Would You Feel If Our Child Is Born With Exceptionalities?
I notice a lot of parents only discuss and prepare themselves to only have a child with no special needs. But it does happen.
Usually You can find this out prior to the child being born. Other times you find out at birth or even a few years after they’re born.
Discuss the possibility that one of you may need to stay home, or have a flexible schedule due to doctors appointments, and meetings with therapist.
16. How Would You Feel If Your Child Is Apart Of The LGBTQ Community?
Having a child means you will accept them for who they are. Even including their sexuality and preferences. Having your child be apart of the LGBTQ community can come with some obstacles. Such as; bullying, targeting from strangers.
The questions you have to talk about with your partner is how are you going to support them? What strategies will be inplace to set boundaries with relatives who do not support your child’s life?
17. Anything From Your Lifestyle Do You Want To Keep When We Have a Child?
This could be going out to restaurants, annual trips together, hobbies, or even going to events. You both need to discussed if your child will be joining you, or do you want to do your hobbies alone? If it is a child-free event, who will be watching your child?
Your life doesn’t have to halt because you decided to start have a family. You just need to plan ahead and adapt to new things.
18. What Trips Do You Want To Take The Family On?
Speaking of traveling, decide on places you want to travel with your family! This could be Disneyland, an all-inclusive resort, or just visiting family outside of the country.
Discuss how family trips could go, when you want to travel, and how to budget for a family trip.
19. What Are Somethings You Will Be Learning From Your Parents?
Some of the things parents do in our childhood can transfer into our way of raising our own children. This is a time for you and your partner to reflect on how your parents raised you.
Was there techniques that they did that you are going to use with your child? Or is there something your parents did when you were younger that you will not be doing with your child?
This question can be between you and your partner only, or you can get the support of a therapist.
20. What Counts As Spoiling?
Spoiling can be seen in different ways. This could be giving them lots of gifts, giving in to tantrums, or giving them everything they asked for.
Discuss this topic with your partner about what do you consider as spoiling and what will you do if your family members are spoiling your child?
For example, you can leave the spoiling to grandparents, or even having treat days as a family.
21. How Are We Going To Set Boundaries With Family?
Introducing your relatives to a newest member of the family can be exciting. But we don’t want everybody to come over unannounced, disrespect your wishes about your child, or give you advice all the time.
Make sure to talk to your partner about boundaries you will be making. For example will you be having visitors at the hospital? How long are you going to wait until you allow friends and family to be around your newborn?
What are you going to do when your family is disrespecting the way you parent?
Make sure to have this discussion prior to the baby’s arrival.
22. Are We Going To Be Religious With Our Child/Children?
Do you follow a religion? Will you be growing up your child within this religion? Or will you be allowing them to decide their involvement as they get older?
Make sure to discuss how involved you would like your children to be within your religion.
23. Have You Thought About Going To Therapy For Any Unresolved Childhood Trauma?
Having childhood trauma can truly affect the way you parent your future children. Children really brings up unresolved trauma.
It’s very important to work on your childhood trauma in order to raise your child in a happy and healthy home. If you have experience childhood trauma, plan a time with your partner when you will be going to therapy.
24. Who Will Be Watching The Child On Unexpected Days?
Children have a lot of days when off when they are in school. This could be snow days, PD days, long weekends, or holiday breaks.
due to the large amount of days off, either you or your partner have to talk about who will have the flexible schedule to be home with your child, or finding a type of care for those long days off.
When I was a child, my mother used to put me in spring break and summer camps while she was at work. This all depends on your work schedule, your partners work schedule and the caregiving resources you have.
25. How Will We Discipline Our Children?
You want to be on the same page with your partner when it comes to discipline. Will you be doing time outs Grounding? Or will you be trying gentle parenting?
Remember to not let anybody change the way you parent your children. This is your child and they will only be listening to you.
26. What Happens If Something Goes Wrong During Labor And Delivery, Will you Choose The Baby Or Your Partner?
Making this decision can be tough. You want to focus on the positive outcomes of labour. Although you will hear some stories about how women or the baby, or maybe even both do not survive delivery.
Please have this conversation and going through every possible outcome there is. For example your husband may be told that he has to save either you or the baby.
Depending on the couple that is a decision you both have to make together prior to your due date.
27. When Will We Find Out The Gender?
All couples are different in wanting to find out the gender of the baby. You can find out the gender through a gender reveal party, at the time of birth, or just letting your doctor know at your sonogram visit at 20 weeks pregnant.
You’ll probably want to know the gender in advance to prepare for their arrival, or want to keep the gender a surprise. This is decision is based on you both as a couple.
28. Do We Share The Name With Everyone?
Sharing the name with family and friends can allow them to get excited for the newest arrival. Others tend to wait until the baby has arrive to let the world know their new name.
Discuss with your partner when you will both tell everyone the new name. this could be at the baby shower or as a photo announcement on social media.
it’s important for couples to have these discussions, and having their questions answered prior to starting a family because we all want to be on the same page. This is a really big decision to happen in any relationship. Make sure that any questions you have are answered!